remembering

*

when david was only 10 months old i found out i was pregnant with matthias.

when david was about 1 year old i went to see our perinatologist for an in-depth ultrasound.

as i sat in the waiting room, i remembered getting the news a year earlier

that there was something wrong.

at 38 weeks, our baby was way too small and i was admitted to the hospital

to start inducement.

i remember feeling my world crumble around me as the perinatologist told me

something was definitely wrong with our baby.

i remember how scared i was.

and as i was waiting for my turn to see the doctor

a woman came out crying.

shaken.

she had received bad news.

and i wanted to run over to her and tell her

i know how scared you are.

“i know what it feels like to see your world crumble around you.

but you will be okay.  you’ll find joy.”

but that wouldn’t work, would it?

but she had to journey through her own pain and sadness and heal in her own time.

and no one could have comforted me at that time.

i had to walk through the pain.

and hurt and heal.

i didn’t know then that david’s smile would make my heart sing.

i didn’t know that he would hug my neck with all his might

and that he would be a super snuggler.

i had to walk through the pain to find joy.

and looking back, i can confidently say, the joy far outweighs the pain.