I’m so freaking tired of feeling guilty. Slowly I’m changing the way I think.
A few years ago, I had been feeling guilty because I hadn’t taken David to the doctor for a flu shot. I told myself, “If he gets the flu, you are going to feel awful.” I berated myself saying, “If you were a good mom, you would take care of this right away.” In the midst of busyness and the ‘not being able to get it all done’ the guilt was eating me up.
In the midst of struggling with feelings of guilt over not getting David a flu shot, we headed to LA to see his pulmonologist {respiratory specialist} and we planned a quick trip to Disneyland to ride a few of our favorite rides. At the doctor’s office, she asked me if David had received a flu shot and I sheepishly admitted, “No, he hasn’t.” She asked, “Would you like us to give him one today?” Hallelujah, right? My prayers were answered. Now I could move past the guilt. I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. David would be protected from any nasty viruses and I was a good mother. Phew.
Until we arrived at Disneyland a couple hours later. I could tell David was feeling icky. He usually has a mild reaction to the flu shot–just kind of mellow and achy. The guilt kicked in again, “If only I had planned better, he would be happy and energetic right now.” Usually David loves all the colors, people, and sites at Disneyland. He clearly wasn’t enjoying himself and it was all my fault.
Then I had a light bulb moment.
GUILT DOESN’T PLAY FAIR.
Guilt is a liar.
Guilt was hitting me from both sides and no matter what I did, I couldn’t win. Guilt wasn’t helping me, it was hurting me.
So now when I feel guilty, I grab the guilty thought and reframe it with grace. When that little voice tells me, “You’re not good enough,” I tell it, “You’re right. I’m not perfect. I’m just me and I’m perfectly loved.” And when guilt whispers, “You’re a failure,” I remind myself I can let go of trying to control all the things {and just be me}. God holds all of this—so I don’t have to.
So guilt, I’m not playing your game anymore. I’m admitting right here, right now, that I’m imperfect. And that’s okay.
Do you struggle with guilt?
