Married life is so different than I thought it would be. When we were young and in love, I was sure we would be the couple that would beat the odds—and you know what, in some ways, we have. But it’s nothing like I expected. I thought true love was fluttery feelings and never disagreeing.
“Okay,” I used to think, “we can have the occasional disagreement, as long as we communicate well, listen to each other and resolvd things in a calm, healthy manner.”. But marriage isn’t usually so neat and tidy.
Now I think true love is something altogether different. It’s actually deeper and more profound than I used to think.
Steve and I are well matched. During pre-marital counseling, our pastor had us take an assessment to help us identify ‘red flag’ areas where conflict would likely arise. When the results of the assessment came back, there were no red flag areas. Sure we had different backgrounds and slightly different perspectives on some things, but overall we approached life with similar beliefs. We exhaled a huge sigh of relief. We were going to be okay.
We got married, decorated our apartment, and stepped into life thinking we had it figured out. We had a solid friendship and we truly enjoyed being together—but we didn’t have a clue about what life was about to throw our way. We started off optimistic and in love, then real life happened all around us. We’ve been through some crazy, hard stuff—depression, getting fired from a job, friends divorcing and having a baby with a severe disability. We’ve held each other and cried with grief in moments so dark we could hardly see a way forward. Through those rough waters I have been so glad to have him by my side
We’ve also had some amazing experiences together—walking the red carpet with Gerard Butler at a movie premier in Los Angeles, attending a ball in Ginezno, Poland, sipping tea in an old estate home in England, oh, and building a thriving business together. We’ve done things I never dreamed I’d have the opportunity to experience. I remember moments, staring into each other’s eyes, and not being able to hold all the joy inside. And through those fairytale moments, I have been so glad to have him by my side. His smile, his friendship, his sense of humor makes the exceptional even better.
But after 15 years of marriage, I no longer believe it’s the highs and lows that make or break a marriage. The lowest lows and the highest highs are the exception to the rule. And while they may be extremely difficult or hugely exciting, they don’t define a marriage. It’s day to day life that makes or breaks a marriage. The drain of the mundane can be exhausting. We work together, raise our boys together and live life together. It’s busy and stressful. Sometimes, after the boys are in bed, and we are both sitting on the couch catching up on our favorite BBC show, I wonder why it feels like there is a wall between us. Those bricks pile up one at a time—a small comment that hurts or being too tired to share details from the day. Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks they pile up to create a wall. Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability. Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss, or a kind word. The same fatigue from the every day stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.
I used to think highs and lows put strain on a marriage—but now I see it’s more than that. The every day stress of life is what makes marriage so challenging {and so beautiful}. Every day we have to fight the distance that wants to creep in and build a wall between us. I wake up in the morning to Steve making breakfast for our family and give him a little kiss. And bricks come down. Sometimes I slip a little note into his bag that says, “You are brave.” And bricks come down. Every day we have to hold each other, listen to each other, and share our hearts with each other. It isn’t fancy, but it matters. It isn’t complicated but it’s not simple either. Marriages are built in the little, everyday moments of life. Marriages are broken through the everyday strain of life and the drain of the mundane.
As I sit here reflecting on how different married life is from what I expected, I feel grateful that I married my best friend. I am grateful that he and I are committed to breaking down walls and fighting the distance. Together we are learning to be more vulnerable and to love each other better in the midst of the mundane.
Thank you. This was very was very well said.
So beautifully shared!
Lisa, I love your fashion and DIY posts and hearing about the latest and greatest at your shop. But when you write about motherhood and marriage and the grit and grace of following Jesus? Now that’s the stuff that really reveals the full beauty of your heart and a life surrendered to Christ. You are truly inspiring. I’m facing a lot of bricks in my marriage and I feel like the only one who sees them. It’s a hard place to be but your words remind me that it’s the small steps that can add up to big change. <3 Beauty in brokenness. Amen.
I LOVE reading this. I have a GREAT marriage, but it does help for someone else to admit that not every day is fascinating and exciting. Your circumstances were similar comparisons – we have been through the highest of highs and very low lows, and we are still friends. We still love each other. The part you said that Caught me though, was talking about the wall. Even as friends we still are busy with life, and don’t always find time to connect, and I have felt that wall between us.
It is nice to hear from someone else that they have felt that too – AND THAT IT CAN BE OVERCOME.
Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing this.
My husband and I addopedt a concept on day one of our marriage that is, I make him my first priority, above myself and now above our kids. And likewise, he makes me his first priority. Together this means that we are both being taken care of and loved, and not being selfish. It has meant that we have to learn how the other likes having love shown to them, and even after 12 years we sometimes get it wrong. But we both know if comes from a place of love and it is easy to talk about it and correct it. We also make sure that having a Christ centered home is our first priority for our family. Teaching His teachings help our children know they are loved not only by us and our family, but also by a loving God and his son Jesus Christ.
Dear Lisa, Goodness do you ever continue to amaze me with your words. Your heart and feelings are so raw and pure. I’m so very thankful for you sharing your beautiful sole. I connect with your words so often. And in this subject matter, I certainly can say I feel your words more profound than you ever might imagine. Every day is a new struggle, stress, joy, triumph for my marriage. Some days are terrific and others i can sit in a still quiet moment and wonder if I’ll ever experience joy and love together again!! Raising children is hard and so overwhelming. Combine that with the day to day of basic survival just makes me realize that our journey is always guided by a higher more powerful being. I just need to remember more often to rely on his guiding light. Thank you for sharing and caring!!
Thank you for your kind words, Rhonda and for sharing your own experience. It’s so comforting to know we aren’t alone! xx
Thank you for these beautiful words. I am a believer that marriage is something that you have to work on each day. You choose each day to love one another. Sometimes it is hard & sometimes it is beyond what we could imagine. We are not perfect but we support one another & are there for one another. May you & Steve enjoy many more mundane days & end each day knowing that you both chose to love each other for who you are & what you are together.
Yes, I so agree. Loving is choosing, every day. xx
Yes.
And as a recent divorcé I am really thinking about whether I could really be in it in the mundane, ordinary as you describe. Thank you so much for sharing.
Regina, sometimes the mundane is unbearable. Sending you a big hug and hope you are finding beauty in this season of being newly single. xx
Marriage is about compromising and choosing to commit each day. I choose to love the person I married no matter what. That is hard to do when the stresses of life come through. I keep in mind that God is the one who sustains us. And I ask him to remind me of His promises that are the same from times past and today. Lisa, remember God can open the waters before you and you and your husband can cross that ocean in dry land. Remember God’s promises.
I so need God because I definitely can’t do it on my own! xx
Thank you Donna for sharing your insights and sharing Casting Crowns “Broken Together”. It’s so true about being broken and vulnerable with each other and before a loving and all sufficient God. Only He can truly make us complete! And we as individuals are changing in ourselves constantly because of life events and seasons of our lives. We can only continue growing together with our spouse with vulnerability and openness before our God who sees and loves us in our brokenness.
Thanks Lisa for your openness in sharing your story. I too married my best friend and although I knew marriage was far from easy, I thought our marriage would be easier since we were so compatable with one another…the first 2 years were a fairy tale and then we had children.
We needed to have many conversations regarding our parenting differences (mainly because I led with my heart and my husband led his decisions with his head).
Now we still have our differences, but along the way we discovered we can not change each other, instead we need to commit the other into God’s care and ask Him instead to help us with our own attitudes. After all this marriage and our life together is not ours alone to sustain but His to build up through us.
And yes Lisa, after 18 1/2 years it is about recognizing the rubble that has built up between us and removing it before it becomes a wall. It’s about fighting together for our marriage not for my “rights and freedoms”… I have seen I have all I need when we are walking side by side, hand in hand.
Beautiful words, Kathleen! xx
Very beautifully written! God bless your beautiful, sweet family!
Thank you Cheryl. xx
I couldn’t agree more. 5 years ago when we were married, I could have told the exact same story–we scored the highest our church had ever seen on the pre-marital assessment. Since then we’ve had 5 surgeries between the two of us and our eldest was just diagnosed with autism. Yeah the tough moments (i.e., surgeries) were stressful, and the high moments (rocking out a a bluegrass festival) were wonderful, but it is the day-to-day management of diapers, feedings, and therapies that are the hardest. our love is so much deeper than we ever could have expected because we are united in faith and persistence, giving time to each other and taking advantage of the good moments. I am always so inspired by your blog because it gives me hope that we will make it work as a family, even though God has presented us with a unique set of challenges.
That’s crazy how similar our stories are!! Hugs to you Rachel. xx
we married when we were 18 & 19 – I tell everyone the ministers sermon shocked us; he said you’re going to hate days you wake up next to one another, you’ll despise the day you got married. But these are things that you have to work through and THIS is marriage – he could not have been more correct. And we have worked through all of “it”, good, bad and ugly – and this summer we celebrate our 40th anniversary. Marriage isn’t what you see in the movies, it is real and has to be worked at and learn to enjoy those moments like the kind word or look or holding of hand; the giggle of a child; the sun steaming through a window – all things that life is made of.
I heard the sermons too and didn’t believe them. I thought we were the exception. It sure isn’t the movies! Hugs to you Jan! xx
Why does it seem so much easier to encourage and sustain friendships with girlfriends than it does to sustain a marriage? Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m thankful that God gives us second chances. After 27 years of marriage we almost called it quits. I was at the funeral of my Aunt last year when her husband stood up to give a tribute to her. He said he’d been married to five women…..that every decade brought changes in his precious wife and the secret was he learned to love each one! Maybe it’s enough to know that we aren’t our past decisions and that today is our new decade to change! Love the new song by Casting Crowns that expresses it so beautifully “Broken Together”
Beautifully said Donna….I love that song as well!
Thank you Donna for sharing your insights and sharing Casting Crowns “Broken Together”. It’s so true about being broken and vulnerable with each other and before a loving and all sufficient God. Only He can truly make us complete! And we as individuals are changing in ourselves constantly because of life events and seasons of our lives. We can only continue growing together with our spouse with vulnerability and openness before our God who sees and loves us in our brokenness.
Thank you for the brick wall visual. I think that is going to be an easy way for me to remember that every little effort is another kick to that wall.
As a fresh-faced newly wed, I truly enjoyed reading this beautifully written piece, Lisa! You are an amazing writer …. I get the feels!
I needed this. This is one of my most favorite posts you’ve ever written. It is so true and honest and brave and encouraging. Thank-you.
Thank you Sara. xx
I’m 50 years old and married 27 years and have a 15 year old daughter. Whew, what can I say marriage is not easy. We have gone through good times and not so good. This past year seems to be so difficult, I almost feel like I could end this marriage. We keep trying to find our way back to each other, but it seems soooo difficult. We will, because we love each other but its taking longer than usual.
I bet your not unusual at all–maybe just more honest? Thank you for sharing your journey. xx
So, so, so true.
Thank you, Lisa. This post is so relevant to my marriage. It’s a second marriage for me and we are 5 years into it. Third marriage for my husband. I struggle with the everyday challenge to be a priority over his work. This marriage has walls that are so terribly disappointing. It’s good to know that everyone has them, and everyone struggles at some point. Thanks for the positive encouragement!
The walls are disappointing, aren’t they? I thought we were stronger than that. But if we work together, I believe we can overcome them. It’s so imperfect, isn’t it? xx
I love this, Lisa. Thank you! It is so timely. We have been in weekly counseling for months after realizing those bricks had solidified into place. It’s been so much work – really the hardest of anything I’ve done – to tear them down, and, some days, to even want to tear them down. So many have asked what happened to cause us to seek help, but you’re right – it’s just the little things after lots of years. So glad to be sharing these things together today with another woman who understands. xoxox to your brave heart!
Kelli, thank you for sharing bravely. You’re an encouragement to me. I know just want you mean about some days, not even wanting to tear them down. It’s exhausting and hurt feelings can be deep. Sending you love and courage. xx
Beautifully said! Unfortunately, I did not marry my best friend and after 18 years of marriage, we chose to separate. Still married a year and a half later, but not living together. We just couldn’t get through that wall. Makes me sad, but very happy that others can. I have to say, though, that we are a very happy separated couple:) Our children come first and we get along much better! Maybe this will just be our version of family. God Bless to all those couples trying to make it out there! As my mother said on my parents 60th anniversary…there is no such thing as an easy marriage!!
Hugs to you Connie. Every marriage is different and I believe we need to love each other on this journey. There is grace for each of us! xx
Amen!
so very well said and great insight and perspective!!
xoTiffany
Thank you Tiffany. xo
Thanks again for your honesty! We’ve been married 15 yrs too! Marriage gets stronger after each hurdle. The lows make you appreciate the highs! We take it one day at a time and try to be mindful of the little things we should be thankful for.
I agree, our love gets stronger as we go! xo
An absolutely beautiful post – thank you
Thank you Sydney! xx
Wonderfully written! Touching. True. I shared it with both of my unmarried 20 something children! Thank you.
Thank you Sherri! xo
Beautifully stated. Life isn’t always what we imaginined and sometimes it is more than we ever dreamed. Wonderful truth in a time when there is so much done for show.
My life is nothing like I planned and so much better than I imagined! xx
LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. One of your best pieces yet! Thank you for putting the thoughts that so many of us have but cannot describe so beautifully in words. You are truly an inspiration!
Aw thank you Leah. xx
I love this and it came at the perfect time for me.
Hugs to you Heather! xx
Isn’t it bizarre? Marriage is pretty much the craziest thing I’ve ever taken on. All through my 20’s it wasn’t even a priority. I was that schmuck that always said- “Marriage? NO way! Now How!” I thought it was a farce and why do I need to be married in the eyes of the gov’t to prove I love someone. Then you meet the person you were meant to and everything gets shook up. Priorities change, heart changes… what a transformation! Then everyone tells you that “marriage is hard”… and yet- can’t explain it because it just is, but it’s not the same for anyone. Long story short- I wouldn’t change it one bit and your post reminded me of all that. I am without a doubt married to the man I am supposed to be. Blessings to you!
You’re right–it’s different for everyone. It’s imperfect for everyone. I used to think some people had a perfect marriage and now I know there’s no such thing! xx
Perfect, thank you for helping me today. The wall statement is what was in my head but I couldn’t figure it out. Amazing!!
Glad we’re not the only ones trying to break down walls. xx
I love this post…and am sharing with my husband. It’s almost like you wrote it about us. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Lisa! Keep it up!! 🙂
Thanks Jena. xx
Dear Lisa,
You hit the nail on the head. It is typically not the highest highs or lowest lows that make and break us – it truly is the day to day “stuff” that we all have. I, too, feel that I married my best friend, and often have to remind myself that “this is not how I would treat a friend.” We, too, have a special needs child, and I look at the other children that go to school with my daughter, and there are MANY one-parent households – it is a true test of a marriage. Best to you and Steve and your beautiful sons!
So true–every family has different struggles in the day to day. Hugs to you Barbara.
Well stated!
2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord direct your hearts into (realizing and showing) God’s love and Christ’s perseverance (steadfastness and patience).
Good mantra for making marriage thrive.
Such a good verse! xx